I published this post 2017 October 11 after looking at two speeches:
1. a speach of a Tibetan nunn, Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma about love and attachment and
2. the speech of Emily Esfahani Smith about happiness and pillars of the meaning of life has been moved to a page at www.kinberg.net/meaning-of-life/
- transcript of Tenzins speach
- impossible relationships
Tenzin talks in her video about attachment. I have been looking around for a synonym.
According to Tenzin, Attachment is like:
” I love you therefore I want you to make me happy”.
and she adds that
“attachment is like holding very tight. “
It looks like she is talking about dependency like in :
- unhealthy dependency relationship
- when you can’t get happy without your partner
- or codependent -relationship
- or emotional dependency
Tenzin says that genuine love is when :
“I love you, therefore I want you to be happy.
Genuine love is holding very gently, nurturing, but allowing things to flow,
Can genuine love survive “enhancement separation”?
I am a big believer in the therapeutic value of a separation to strengthen the marriage if it’s done in the right way for the right reasons, and if there are clear agreements from the start. ( Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com )
When I think about love and separation, I can not forget the story of the Swedish Sailorwoman ( sjömanshustrun ), a story told for me but probably invented, that the statue was raised in memory of a woman who every day went to the harbour to look if her husband was coming back. The husband did not like many others, fishermen and sailors on tradinG ships during the last war.( Image source : http://perpixel.se/gbg/. )
some love stories survive separation, some do not.
The story of Manika who had a maternal death and while dying made an agreement with her husband,, is a curious story of a remarcable separation that did not survive. Her husband married another woman. I wrote about it in http://www.kinberg.net/2018/01/24/life-and-afterlife/#science
“The problem is always that we mistake the idea of love for attachment.
We imagine that the grasping and clinging that we have in our relationsships, shows that we love whereas actually it is just attachment which causes pain.
Because, you know the more we grasp the more we are afraid to loose, then if we do loose, we are going to suffer.
I mean, genuine love is… well attachment says ” I love you therefore I want you to make me happy”. And genuine love says “I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me, great. if it doesn’t include me, I just want your happiness. And so, its a very different feeling.
You know, attachment is like holding very tight. Genuine love is holding very gently, nurturing, but allowing things to flow, not to be held tightly. The more tight we hold on to others, the more we will suffer. But its very hard for people to understand that, because they think that the more they hold on to someone, the more it shows they care about them but it’s not, it’s really just that they are trying to grasp at something because they are afraid that otherwise they themselves will be hurt.
Any kind of relationship which imagines that we can fulfill ourselves trhough another is bound to be very tricky. I mean, ideally, people should come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves and just therefore appreciating that in the other rather than expecting the other to supply that sense of well-being. which they dont feel on their own.
Then it’s a lot of problem and also along with the projection which comes with romance where we project all our ideals and desires and romantic fantasies on to the other which the other cannot possibly fulfill once you get to know them and recognize that it’s not Prince Charming of Cinderella, it’s just a very ordinary person, also struggleing.
And unless one is able to see them to like them as well as well as feel desire for them and to also have loving kindness and compassion then it’s going to be, it’s going to be a very difficult relationship.”
“The Swedish theory of Love”
“Internationally Sweden is seen as a perfect society, a role model and a symbol of the highest achievements of human progress. The Swedish Theory of Love digs into the true nature of Swedish life style, explores the existential black holes of a society that has created the most autonomous people in the world.” (Source: www.imdb.com/title/tt4716560/plotsummary?ref_=tt_ov_pl
I looked at this film/documentary and felt really bad thereafter.
First of all. It exagerate the way Swedes relate with each other.
- Not all girls inseminate themselves in Sweden!
- That having a father as a good rawmodel, is important for childrens, is commonly recognized
- To get a good father many womens prefer to wait with mariage.
- Many Swedes lives as särbo, that means that they have their own apartments and met when agreing.
- Many Swedish girls prioritíze education and personal development
- Most Swedish womens dont want to be economically depending on a husband.
- Many women et pregnant late.
- Many mariages ends up with divorce.
- Fewer mariages are made in church.
- “Mariage is the first step toward divorce” is a knows proverb.
- Many children grow up with the mother after they divorced/separated.
- It is very much a question of social belongings how they behave and how early they wait to become pregnant.
- It is true that many elderly live and die alone
Se the trailer at
Jealousy is a treath to many relationships
I wrote about jealousy in www.kinberg.net/2018/05/02/jealousy/
Tenzins definition regards all kind of relations. It doesn’t make difference between heterosexual or homosexual relationship.
In my examples below, I identify therefore the members in a pair with numbers, one (1) and two (2).
a relation is impossible or difficult if
- you look for fulfillment through another
this may happen if 1 needs its companion (2) to achieve fulfillment. Tenzin said that this make the relarionship tricky.
Such a relationship may I think, become a unhealthy dependency relationship if if “you can’t be happy without your partner.
- you have different goals for your relationship
This happens e.g. when you have e.g. these two goals:
- “I want you to make me happy!”
- “I do not need that you make me happy as I get happy fulfilling myself in my work and hobbies”
- when happiness for one is incompatible with the happiness of the partner e.g. the happiness for one is a pain for the other as in these two examples:1. : I must listen to rap music many hours a day to improve myself as a musician.”
2.: “I hate rap music, I love opera!”or1 : “I love trecking in the mountains!”
2 : “I can not do trecking in the mountains with